Friday, March 6, 2009

Thursday, March 5, 2009

7 Things I Hate About You

1. You're vain.

2. You play games.

3. You're insecure.

4. You love me, but you like her.

5. You make me laugh, yet you make me cry.

6. I don't know which side to buy.

7. Your friends, they're jerks when you act like them, just know it hurts.

8. I wanna be with the one I know.

And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do...

9. You make me love you.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Several Ways to Make Superheroes Sound Inferior

Before I start this, I am the biggest superhero fan of all time. I really enjoy them. They cover my walls, and the majority of my boxers showcase pictures of them. So when I write this, it is only because when friends or mostly foes of my mine try to make superheroes sound less awesome, these are the methods that I’ve come across them using.

1.) If the superhero has two words in his/her name, put the last word first and then make the other word sound like some sort of a fetish used by the other. For instance, Spider-Man can be turned into, ‘what is he? Some sort of man that’s in love with spiders?’ Or using someone else such as MoonKnight, ‘look, some knight who touches other men only when the moons out’.

2.) If the superhero only has one word in his/her name, just put the word ‘bologna’ after the name. If using the name Gambit, change it into, ‘Oh look, it’s Gambit Bologna’. Or how about, ‘Stupid Hulk Bologna’. It makes them sound like more of a sandwich than a superhero.

3.) Criticize the superheroes costume basically just by saying every superhero looks like they bought their costume at a garage sale.

4.) If a superhero has a sidekick, make a gay joke about the superhero if both are males, or imply that the superhero kidnapped the sidekick if he/she seems too young to be out past dark. Because kidnapping is no joke.

5.) Never mention how cool it is that they have so many superpowers. As long as they have one weakness, they’re lame in your eyes. And if they have no weaknesses, they’re extra lame because it’s unfair to everyone else. No one wins but you.

6.) To make up a really good nickname for a superhero, pick one physical characteristic about them, and then say version of Hasselhoff. So for the Silver Surfer, you would say ‘He looks like a silver version of Hasselhoff’, and for Wolverine, you would say ‘He looks like a short version of Hasselhoff’.

7.) Imply their manners are not good enough for them to stay at the Ritz. ‘All the Human Torch does is light things on fire; you wouldn’t see him at the Ritz’.

Blog Author and Artist: Nick Paddison

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Pros and Cons of Marrying Frank West

For those of you who don’t know him, Frank West is a fictional freelance photographer who stars as the protagonist in the video game Dead Rising for Xbox 360, which summed up is about Frank West being trapped in a mall with a bunch of zombies.

The Pros:

Think of Frank West like Chuck Norris with ankle weights. He kills zombies. How cool is that? Very. If you were to marry Frank West, guess what you would get to do. Kill zombies. And killing zombies is like the greatest thing ever, because you can kill thousands of them and you don’t feel bad about it. You’re pretty much helping mankind by doing it. So you marry a man who kills zombies, and you’re brought into the profession.

Frank West would offer you so much security in your life, it would be awesome. Mugging, kidnapping, this is nothing compared to a zombie outbreak. And it stands to argue that if he can beat up a zombie with its own arm, he’ll pretty much project you from anything. Watch out Harrison Ford in pretty much all of his movies, because Frank West would be able to get his family back in like, two seconds.

On your wedding day, you wouldn’t even need to hire a photographer, because Frank West is one.

The Cons:

Frank West seems like a guy who would bring his work home with him. You would be preparing a lovely dinner, and then Frank would come home with a bunch of zombies and ask to eat dinner in the den. What a jerk.

He would be off on business all the time, covering foreign wars and such. And you would never know if he’s actually off doing work, or just having some fun time with his whore secretary. Not that I’m implying anything. I mean, he just disappears to a mall in Colorado for 72 hours without saying anything. Does that sound like a reliable husband?

Final Decision:

Whether to marry Frank West is really your choice, but after stating the pros and cons, I believe that Frank West would want to settle down after this whole zombie apocalypse is over, and just raise a family and live a nice quiet life. On the flip side, there is a dead rising 2 coming out soon, so where the hell is Frank West?




Blog Author: Nick Paddison

Friday, February 27, 2009

Venus and Serena Williams are Dead!

Here's a little section of the Tom Stoppard play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead... or was it smack talk on the court from the singles tournament at Wimbledon '04. I get the two mixed up.

Ven: Shouldn't we be doing something... constructive?

Ser: What did you have in mind? A short, blunt human pyramid?

Ven: We could play at questions.

Ser: And what good would that do?

Ven: I don't know.

Ser: Statement! One-love.

Ven: Cheating!

Ser: How?

Ven: I hadn't started yet.

Ser: Statement! Two-love.

Ven: Are you counting that?

Ser: What?

Ven: Are you counting that?

Ser: Foul. No repetition. Three-love. First game to...

Ven: I'm not going to play if you're going to be like that.

Ser: Whose serve?

Ven: Huh?

Ser: Foul! No grunts. One-love.

Ven: Whose go?

Ser: Why?

Ven: Why not?

Ser: What for?

Ven: Foul! No synonyms. One-all.

Ser: What in God's name is going on here?

Ven: Foul! No rhetoric! Two-one.

Ser: What does it all add up to?

Ven: Can't you guess?

Ser: Are you addressing me?

Ven: Is there anyone else?

Ser: Who?

Ven: How should I know?

Ser: Why are you asking?

Ven: Are you serious?

Ser: Was that rhetoric?

Ven: No.

Ser: Statement! Two-all.

Ven: What's the matter with you today?

Ser: When?

Ven: What?

Ser: Are you deaf?

Ven: Am I dead?

Ser: Yes or no?

Ven: Is there a choice?

Ser: Is there a God?

Ven: Foul! No non-sequiturs. Three-two. One game all.

Ser: What's your name?

Ven: What's yours?

Ser: I asked first.

Ven: Statement. One-love.

Ser: What's your name when you're at home?

Ven: What's yours?

Ser: When I'm at home?

Ven: Is it different at home?

Ser: What home?

Ven: Haven't you got one?

Ser: What are you saying?

Ven: What are you driving at?


Ven: Repetition. Two-love. Match point to me.


Ven: Rhetoric! Game and Match!
Blog Author: Harry Klassen

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Rough Drafts Of Famous Movie Lines

Frankly My Dear, mmmeh.
- From "Gone With The Wind"

The name’s Bond, Melvin Bond.
- From "Dr. No"

I love the smell of paprika and lavender in the morning. It smells like victory.
- From "Apocalypse Now"

My momma always said that life was like a box of chocolates… It melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
- From "Forrest Gump"

I’ll be back in a jiffy.
- From "Terminator"

Are you verbally engaging me into conversation? Huh? Are you verbally engaging me in conversation?
- From "Taxi Driver"

I see red people.
- From "The Sixth Sense"

Say hello to my gun!
- From "Scarface"

You had me at “jello.”
- From "Jerry MacGuire"

Play it, Sam. Play “In Da Club”.
- From "Casablanca"

Uhh, Houston? Something’s wrong…
- From "Apollo 13"

I feel the need – the need for speed! Now… where DID I leave those drugs?
- From "Top Gun"

You won’t like me when my skin pigments change colour.
- From "The Incredible Hulk"

We must return the one ring to where it was created; Tiffany’s.
- From "The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring"

With great power, comes very witty remarks.
- From "Spiderman"
Blog Authors: Harry Klassen & Nick Paddison

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Lines That Are Almost Jokes, But Aren't.

Hey, did you ever hear about the one-armed jockey? Apparently he's surprisingly good at his job.

What's the deal with airline food? I mean, does it come with the ticket, or am I going to have to pay seperately?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. I have to go to the vet.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. I had a blast.

How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.

A priest, a rabbi, and the Pope walk into a bar. They all sat at separate locations.

Why is Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven Ate Nine Ten Eleven Twelve.
Blog Author: Harry Klassen

Monday, February 23, 2009

10 Reasons Why Paper Mario is Cooler than Regular Mario

1. He's made of paper.

2. In a rock-paper-scissors match, there's only a 1/3 chance that he'll lose. The downside of this is they'll see paper coming.

3. He's modelled after supermodels. Just like them, he contains the power of invisibility when he turns sideways.

4. He flies around in a paper plane which costs nothing compared to a real plane.

5. Technically you could eat him without fear of lead poisoning.

6. You might be able to fold Paper Mario seven times, but that's still seven times more than Regular Mario.

7. If you lose a balloon or kite, Paper Mario could float up to get it. But then he'd float away.

8. He COULD give you a really bad paper cut, but don't worry, he's cool.

9. He doesn't have to dress up like raccoons to fly.

10. He's a piece of paper that unclogs your toilet. How cool is that?
Blog Author: Nick Paddison